A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy

“Brothers and sisters, we need the hearts of your young people. Adolescents still have a pliable mind. We must get ahold of children while they’re still young.”

The pastor describes adolescence as a period when young people are especially open to influence and urges the congregation to reach them early. Tia is initially disturbed by the idea that adults want to “get ahold” of her mind, yet the church soon gives her the belonging and certainty she has been seeking. His words anticipate the sustained religious instruction that shapes her understanding of obedience, sin, and salvation.

“‘Life is too short to learn everything from experience.’—Dr. Lindsay

‘God can do anything but fail.’—Dr. Jerry Vines

‘You can’t have God’s love without fear.’—Dr. Lindsay

‘Whenever you find a contradiction with the Bible, the problem is with you—not the book.’—Dr. Vines”

Tia writes these statements in her Bible while learning how she is expected to interpret faith, fear, and doubt. The final instruction is especially consequential: If Scripture appears contradictory, she has been taught to locate the problem within herself. Such teachings encourage her to distrust her own judgment when it conflicts with religious authority, a pattern that develops throughout The Weaponization of Theology to Control Women.

“What was breaking my heart most was the empty space I needed money to fill. I didn’t have the GPA for scholarships. My parents didn’t have the money for tuition. SCAD was expensive and when I asked for a miracle in Sunday School, my teacher said, ‘Sometimes God tells us no by shutting all the doors.’”

Money is the immediate obstacle between Tia and SCAD: She lacks the GPA for a scholarship, and her parents cannot afford the tuition. Her Sunday school teacher gives that financial reality a religious meaning by suggesting that the closed opportunity may be God’s answer. Tia subsequently puts away her portfolios and redirects her aspirations toward becoming a godly wife and mother, connecting the episode to The Suppression of Identity Through Enforced Submission.

“‘I’m afraid you failed the compatibility test,’ he said. ‘You are two very different people. Your personality types clash. The test predicts that should you marry, one of you will dwarf the other. There’s no way for two lights to shine in this union.’”

The premarital counselor gives Tia a clear warning that their personalities are incompatible and predicts that one partner will eventually “dwarf” the other. His recommendation gives language to doubts she already has about marrying Allan and briefly offers her a possible way out. Tia nevertheless continues toward the wedding, constrained by her fear of Allan’s response, the plans already in motion, and religious teachings that have made breaking the engagement difficult to contemplate.

“He rolled off me. ‘It’s better to get it over with fast,’ he said.”

Allan makes this comment after Tia tells him that intercourse hurts and asks him to stop on their wedding night. His decision to continue despite her explicit request establishes sexual coercion at the beginning of their marriage. For Tia, the experience also begins to unsettle what she has been taught about marital sex as sacred, loving, and protected by Christian marriage.

“So, unable to change Allan’s ‘masculine fault,’ but understanding how he reacted when he was tired, I knew Allan’s backhand could land on William, the way it landed on me. I needed to get this under control, and I had no idea how I’d do it.”

Christian marriage teachings have instructed Tia to regard Allan’s behavior as a “masculine fault” that she cannot change, leaving her to manage its consequences instead. Once she recognizes that his backhand could strike William, she becomes responsible in her own mind for anticipating Allan’s moods and keeping the baby from provoking his anger. Her fear for William shows how the burden of preventing Allan’s violence is being transferred onto her.

“She’s a utensil, useful to her husband and blessed by God. What could be better? If you’re feeling personal ambition, Tia, you need to repent and ask Jesus to help you die to yourself. Just read.”

Judith describes the biblical model of womanhood she has asked Tia to study as a “utensil” whose usefulness to her husband brings God’s blessing. She then treats Tia’s personal ambition as something requiring repentance, giving religious authority to the expectation that Tia suppresses her own aspirations. The exchange directly develops the suppression of identity through enforced submission, as Tia is taught to measure herself through service to her husband.

“‘Your jeans. Do you understand that your son will form his first views of sexuality based on your appearance? Your jeans can turn him on, even at two years old. Your jeans are visible to the other boys and men in our fellowship, and they’re a distraction,’ she said.”

Judith makes Tia responsible for the sexual responses that her clothing might provoke in males, extending the warning even to her two-year-old son. The instruction turns an ordinary choice of clothing into a matter of sexual and religious responsibility and teaches Tia to monitor her body according to how males might perceive it. This develops the weaponization of theology to control women by placing responsibility for male sexual behavior on women’s conduct.

“My bloodcurdling howl flung my consciousness into the air above. I left myself and floated over the room, hovering near the ceiling tiles. Below me, my devastated body writhed and sobbed on the floor. I watched two nurses try to hold me. I heard one of them say, ‘Oh, this is bad. This is really bad.’”

Tia describes learning of Clara’s death as an experience of watching her own body from above while nurses restrain her. The physical details convey the severity of her immediate response to the loss. Clara’s death later opens access to other grief, fear, and anger that she has kept contained, making this moment important to the self-examination that follows.

“I wasn’t only grieving Clara. My daughter only handed me a key and led me inside.”

As Tia grieves Clara, memories and emotions connected to other losses begin to surface, leading her to recognize that her sorrow extends across years of her life. Calling Clara a “key” expresses how her daughter’s death gives Tia access to feelings she has previously kept contained. This realization begins a broader examination of the fear, loss, and self-suppression she has accumulated.

“Julie B switched her handle to Jazz and announced a new website: The Trapdoor Society. Jazz knew theater. She wanted a women’s society that offered a way of escape.”

Jazz creates the Trapdoor Society as a separate online space where the women can discuss subjects that have exceeded the boundaries of their homeschooling forum. For Tia, it offers access to conversations about art, literature, music, philosophy, travel, and relationships while her offline life grows increasingly restricted. The passage establishes the trapdoor/Trapdoor Society motif: What begins as an intellectual and social form of escape later becomes part of the network that helps Tia find physical safety.

“‘What you need, Mrs. Brown’—he paused—‘is to honor your husband more. Do what he asks. Less of what he doesn’t. Honor. Your. Husband. More. You need to ask yourself what you are doing that’s driven your husband to this point, and you need to submit to him.’”

After Tia describes Allan’s violence and tells the counselor that she wants to leave, he instructs her to examine her own behavior and submit more fully to her husband. His response places responsibility for Allan’s conduct on Tia and reinforces the marital hierarchy that has already made it difficult for her to resist him. The encounter directly develops The Complicity of Religious Communities in Perpetuating Harm, as pastoral counseling reinforces the conditions under which the abuse continues.

“Later, I wrote the promise on ivory stationery with sticky black ink that smelled plastic. I will not accuse my husband of domestic violence due to Christian discipline. My stomach clenched with hopelessness, imagining a lawyer holding it in my face, saying, ‘But you wrote this yourself!’”

Allan requires Tia to write a statement promising that she will not describe his use of “Christian discipline” as domestic violence. Her immediate thought of the statement being produced by a lawyer shows that she understands how her own words could later be used against her. The episode develops the weaponization of theology to control women, as the language of religious discipline is used to authorize Allan’s treatment of her and restrict how she can name it.

“Ryan, her husband, put his arm around her shoulders. ‘Well, it’s time we should be getting home. Mommy’s getting a spanking.’”

Ryan announces in front of the other adults that Rafaela is going home for a spanking, and Allan responds by joking that “H-o-H duties call.” Their casual exchange shows that the use of physical discipline against wives is recognized within this circle as an exercise of male household authority. Tia’s discovery that such practices exist within the covenant community develops the complicity of religious communities in perpetuating harm.

“‘Promise me you won’t move off-grid, Tia. We tried that once. It’s break-you hard and there’s no one coming in an emergency.’ Her directness felt like she’d just broken the fourth wall, the way an actor on stage breaks away from the dream of the story to address the audience.”

Leah speaks from her own experience of off-grid living when she warns Tia about the isolation and the lack of help during an emergency. Tia later recalls this conversation as one of the times women within these patriarchal communities “broke rank” when another woman faced real danger. Leah’s warning shows female solidarity operating within the community even while its broader structure restricts women’s authority and independence.

“It’s almost as if I could be swapped out, Leah. Anyone could mother my children according to His wishes. Anyone could clean the house. Anyone could be me because everything that is uniquely me is choked off and shamed away.”

Tia describes feeling interchangeable because the prescribed duties of wife and mother leave little room for the qualities she considers uniquely her own. Her fear that “anyone could be me” shows how thoroughly she associates submission with the loss of individuality. The conversation directly develops the suppression of identity through enforced submission, as Tia begins to articulate what years of conforming to prescribed roles have cost her sense of self.

“Allan, we cannot simply release you and your family to nowhere, and we certainly cannot release you to Eastern Orthodoxy. According to Tia’s blog, not only has she herself accepted the idea of offering prayers to Mary and ‘venerating’ the deceased ‘saints’ of Orthodoxy, but your entire family has been participating in the corrupt worship of an Orthodox congregation in Oak Ridge…”

The elders’ letter claims continuing authority over the family’s religious direction and objects specifically to their participation in Eastern Orthodoxy. Elsewhere in the letter, the elders cite Tia’s blog as evidence of her influence and fault Allan for failing to exercise sufficient spiritual authority over his household. Their intervention develops the complicity of religious communities in perpetuating harm, as church discipline reinforces male headship and attempts to restrict the family’s departure from the congregation.

“But they saw. That was obvious now. And staying meant raising sons who hit women. Staying meant raising a daughter who stayed with the man who hit her. And that would be my fault: The woman who perpetuated the cycle. I’d be the one who taught them life like this was okay.”

After seeing the effects of Allan’s behavior on William, Tia recognizes that her children have been exposed to the violence she believed she was shielding them from. She fears that staying will shape what her sons learn to enact and what her daughter learns to accept in intimate relationships. This realization resolves her remaining uncertainty about leaving and leads directly into her preparations to escape.

“I heard a voice say, ‘RUN.’”

The command comes during Allan’s escalating violence, after Tia has already developed an emergency plan and prepared for the possibility that she may need to leave. She responds immediately, gathering the children and driving away while Allan is out of the house. The instinct to “RUN” brings years of recognizing danger, planning for an emergency, and trying to protect the children into a single moment of action.

“The front cover showed half of a woman’s face, bruised. Red slanted letters read The Battered Woman. 

‘I wasn’t battered,’ I said, confused. ‘Allan never once punched me in the face.’ 

‘You were abused. Read it. You’ll see your story in the pages.’”

Tia initially associates being “battered” with a visible injury such as being punched in the face, which prevents her from recognizing herself in the term. Her attorney directs her to The Battered Woman, and reading about cycles of abuse, invisible wounds, triggers, remorse, and recurring patterns gives her new language for experiences she has struggled to classify. The exchange begins a process of recognizing the range of abusive behaviors within her marriage.

“In loneliness I realized I grieved the idealized dream. The dream of all I’d been promised so many years before. Stay pure and wait for God’s best to find you, they’d said. These rules lead to happiness and heaven. I’d never been enough. Never submissive enough, never sweet enough, never serving enough. I grieved failure and the years I’d lost.”

After leaving Allan, Tia identifies the “idealized dream” as a major source of her grief: She had been taught that purity, submission, and obedience would lead to a happy marriage and spiritual security. She mourns the years spent trying to become sufficiently submissive, sweet, and serving to make that promised outcome possible. The reflection develops the rules and lists motif by confronting the failure of the formula she once trusted to produce happiness and safety.

“I started to sob but kept my eyes on Bette’s finger. I knew I was ugly crying in front of someone and should be embarrassed, but the scene was so vivid that I didn’t care…But I also saw myself moving through the rooms calmly, the children sleeping undisturbed. I watched as my younger self entered the bedroom, how she seemed almost indifferent to the swearing madman pacing around her. How steady she was, how strong and brave to manage such fear.”

During EMDR, Tia revisits the night she escaped from the Blue House and observes how calmly she moved through the house despite her fear. Seeing her younger self from this perspective allows her to recognize the planning, steadiness, and judgment she used to protect the children and leave safely. The memory also changes her understanding of The Blue House, as she comes to associate her final night there with her own resilience alongside the danger she experienced there.

“Remembering that IBLP homeschool groups want to run our country the way they run their homes, I suddenly realized why it mattered so much that I talk about what it’s like in those households. I could tell the public what it’s really like. No female vote. No consent. No contraception. No choice. No careers.”

Tia connects her experiences within IBLP-influenced homeschooling culture to her decision to describe these households publicly. She identifies restrictions she associates with that system, including limits on women’s voting, consent, contraception, and careers. This realization contributes to her decision to use writing and social media to discuss the practices she experienced and their wider social and political implications.