I'll Have What She's Having

Handler describes the time she opened a lemonade stand. She was 10 years old and invoked her sister, Shana, to help. To make money, Handler spiked the lemonade. She didn’t make the money she wanted on their first day in business; she fired Shana and hired their neighbor, Nelson. They made almost $400 their first week.

Handler recalls the first time she rode an airplane. She was 10 and disappointed when her mother told her she couldn’t ride first class. The next time she took a plane she was 15 and her family was taking a vacation to Martha’s Vineyard. She’d been saving money through her babysitting jobs and bought her own first-class ticket. In her first-class seat, she looked around and felt she belonged.

Handler recalls her decision to move from Morristown, New Jersey, to Los Angeles, California. She was 19 and wanted to be famous. Her parents supported her decision but her brother, Glen, thought she needed a cross-country traveling companion. He suggested she drive with his friend, who Handler refers to as Dipsy Doodle. Before leaving the East Coast, Handler and Dipsy Doodle drove to Harlem to buy cocaine. For the next few days, Dipsy Doodle was consistently high and didn’t contribute to travel expenses. At a hotel in Maryland, Handler left Dipsy Doodle behind. She drove the next 17 hours straight to California. On the way, a cop pulled her over. She was terrified, convinced she’d be arrested for drug possession. When she arrived in LA, she called Glen and confronted him for setting her up with such a bad driving companion.

Handler reflects on her first years in LA. She had trouble making money and maintaining a job. She recalls working an office temp job and the boss calling her stupid. Disinterested in being insulted, Handler quit. In retrospect, she knows she only found the strength to quit because she was feeling good about herself that day. She has often thought about this experience over the years when she’s feeling bad about herself. It reminds her that she’s strong and should never tolerate people cutting her down or getting in the way of her dreams.

Handler traces her efforts to establish herself as a comedian. She did stand-up gigs for five years in LA before she was offered a spot “at the Just for Laughs Montreal Comedy Festival” (21). She prepared her set for weeks and felt ready to perform in front of all the industry bigwigs her manager had invited. However, she bombed. She spent the night alone in her hotel feeling bad about herself, convinced she’d ruined her career. However, shortly thereafter her manager arranged a show for her in Montreal for NBC. She did well and was offered a $100,000 contract for a TV show.

Handler reflects on these experiences. She is proud of herself for not giving up. She sees her story as a lesson that dreams can come true if you believe in yourself.

Handler recalls a difficult encounter she had with Jane Fonda. One night, Jane emailed Handler asking her to come for dinner. Jane’s tone was cold and Handler worried she’d done something wrong. At Jane’s house, Jane confronted Handler for being rude, insensitive, and selfish at her recent fundraiser. Handler was embarrassed and apologized. She had just started seeing a therapist and was realizing she needed to confront her internal unrest. Her alcohol and substance abuse weren’t under control and she was often angry. In retrospect, she’s glad Jane confronted her. Like a true sister, she believed in Handler and held her accountable.

Handler describes events from her life two months prior to her conversation with Jane. She was giving a speech at an event in LA when she became overwhelmingly nervous. She wasn’t used to getting stage fright and couldn’t remain standing during the speech. She later told the organizer she had a fever but really feared she was having a panic attack.

A few months later, Handler experienced more and more panicky episodes. She was doing her E! show Chelsea Lately and a Netflix documentary series at the time. She tried to ignore the feelings but soon started seeing her therapist, Dan. Over the next two years, she applied herself in therapy. When she felt she’d made progress, she ended their sessions so she could apply what she’d learned to her life. She recalls an exchange she had with a friend around this time, citing it as an example of her often insensitive behavior. It made her realize she still had work to do. Meanwhile, she tried to change how she behaved around others. She was tired of always being the funny, loud one. Some friends worried she was changing her personality but Handler knows she was looking for the woman she wanted to be.

Handler finished therapy with Dan around the same time she ended her Netflix show. She felt relieved afterwards and spent the next months by herself. She read countless books, listened to interviews and podcasts, and stopped drinking and using drugs as often. She also began writing her book, Life Will Be the Death of Me. She reflects on this time and how important it was for her. A few months later, she was able to do a book tour. At first she was nervous and only appeared in interviews. Then she regained her confidence and started doing solo appearances again. She sees this time as an essential learning period.

Handler reflects on the COVID-19 era. She didn’t mind when the lockdown happened because she was already trying to spend more time by herself. She spent her days taking mushrooms, reading, sleeping, and walking her dogs, Bert and Bernice. Then one day, her sister Simone said she and her three adult children were coming to stay with her because they needed more space.

For the next several weeks, Handler hosted Simone, her two nieces, and nephew Jakey. While the girls were pleasant and polite, Jakey wasn’t. Handler repeatedly confronted him for his insensitivity but he wouldn’t change. Even Simone coddled him. One night, she insisted that she and Handler go out so Jakey could have a female friend over. When they returned, Jakey was upset he couldn’t have sex given the pandemic. Handler reflects on these behaviors, questioning men’s entitlement. That night, she excused herself from the family to avoid getting upset. In her room alone, she decided to put her house on the market to get her family to leave.

After her family left, Handler began inviting men over to have sex. She gave them COVID tests in her yard and interviewed them while waiting for their results. If they annoyed her, she told them their tests were positive and had them leave. In retrospect, she sees how silly this was. She was upset with her family and using sex to cope. At the same time, she refuses to berate herself. She reminds herself that while she’s imperfect, she’s still learning and growing.

Handler continues recounting her experiences during COVID. At the time, she became obsessed with Andrew Cuomo. He was handsome, articulate, and seemed to be one of the only politicians doing anything about COVID. During an interview on The View, Handler publicly confessed her crush on Cuomo. She received a message from him and they started talking. Around this time, she flew East to see her family and shoot her HBO Max show. She planned to meet up with Cuomo while there. However, he suddenly went dark. Her sisters thought it might be for the best because she would be a liability for him. She decided to let it go but meanwhile texted Cuomo an onslaught of photos of herself.

One night, Handler and Simone made plans to rent a house in Maine for their family. Handler was excited, but also knew things had to change beforehand. Her nieces and nephews had been ungrateful and unhelpful; she wanted to address it before Maine.

Handler presents the email she sent her nieces and nephews about their behavior, on which she cc’d her siblings.

In the email, Handler tells her nieces and nephews how much she loves them. Then she addresses their recent disrespectful behavior. She insists that they stop abusing the vacations she’s provided, disrespecting her staff, treating their mothers poorly, failing to help, overusing their phones, and infusing the family space with negative energy. She reminds them she cares about them and wants them to continue vacationing and growing together.

Handler’s family was embarrassed, angry, and shocked by the email, but eventually apologized. In retrospect, Handler is glad she sent it because family is important to her. She knows healing and maintaining these relationships is challenging but knows it’s worth it. In the past she wouldn’t have been able to send this kind of letter, but she can now.

Handler describes the time she spent with her family in Maine. One night, Handler was feeling sad about the Cuomo letdown and hired a couple to drive her dogs across the country to her. When they arrived, the couple acted strangely. The dogs weren’t themselves either. Handler’s brother Roy suggested the couple was high on crystal meth and the dogs might be drugged too. Handler was respectful toward the girl, but ignored the guy’s rude remarks. After they left, Handler crawled into bed with her dogs, glad her family was back together.

Handler continues recalling her and her family’s stay in Maine. One morning, Barbara Bush texted Handler saying she was at her family’s Kennebunkport compound. Handler was close with both the Bush twins, who she understood were not responsible for their father’s mistakes. She eagerly invited Barbara over.

Not long later, Barbara, her husband, and her mother, Laura Bush, arrived. Handler was hesitant to engage Laura but found her more endearing than expected. That afternoon, Barbara insisted Handler and her family visit the compound. Handler wasn’t sure but Roy, Simone, and Shana wanted to go. At the compound, Handler was watching the others play pickleball when George W. Bush approached her. She tried not to engage him but found him more charming than expected. Everyone else was having a good time but Handler was ready to go. On their way out, George Bush insisted on showing Handler his artwork. Handler took a selfie with him and sent it to Cuomo. Then she used her safe word to get her siblings to leave.

A few months later, Handler learned that Cuomo was accused of sexual misconduct. Her sisters theorized their late mother had protected her from him.

In reflection, Handler is glad she didn’t say what she wanted to say to George Bush because there wouldn’t have been a point. At that time, she was learning how to use her voice and how to stay quiet at the right times.