I'll Have What She's Having

Handler reflects on her breakup with Jo. After their honeymoon phase, they began to fall apart. They tried therapy but it couldn’t fix their problems.

Handler acknowledges that if this were a different kind of book, she’d reveal exactly what happened between her and Jo. Instead, she says they simply weren’t right for each other. She describes how close they were but insists she ultimately had to choose herself. Handler attributes her perspective to therapy. She felt sad after the breakup but also knew who she was. She lists everything she learned from being with and breaking up with Jo. She then references a Jon Bon Jovi lyric that encapsulates her feelings.

Handler reflects on other breakups she’s had. She recalls her poor responses in the past and the toxic relationships she was in before therapy. After breaking up with Jo, she wanted to be different than she had been and knew she had to let go.

Handler describes how she healed from her breakup with Jo. She references some of the differences that drew them apart. In retrospect, their breakup was “a test for [her] to reach a higher path” (158). To avoid anger, she practiced gratitude. She includes journal entries from the post-breakup period. She spent time alone and let herself sit in her sadness. She mourned Jo but was thankful she got to experience that big love. She also remembered to hold onto herself through her heartbreak.

Handler shares her frustrations with men and dating. Some months after breaking up with Jo, her friend set her up on a date, but the man was controlling. She confronted her friend about it, who said she was too picky and was “going to die alone” (168). Handler argues against this notion. She prefers being on her own than being in an unhealthy relationship. She has learned to find joy in life by investing in herself and other meaningful relationships. Throughout her career, she’s been ridiculed for not marrying and having children. She holds that she doesn’t need these experiences to be happy, and lists the accomplishments that make her proud. She argues that the best love story is the one that people can have with themselves.

Handler recalls the sabbatical she took after finishing her Little Big Bitch tour. During her break, she traveled to London where she reconnected with a casual friend. He told her his wife had kicked him out and he was single. He and Handler began seeing each other over the following days. They had chemistry and Handler thought they wanted the same casual arrangement. Then one day, the man admitted that his wife was angry with him and wouldn’t let him see his kids. Handler ignored his messages and stayed at her hotel contemplating the situation. She realized she’d misjudged the dynamic and didn’t want to get involved in this man’s marital drama. She texted him as much and ended the affair. In retrospect, she’s proud of herself for creating boundaries and choosing herself. Shortly thereafter she reunited with someone special.

Handler continues recounting her time in London. The day after ending her fling, Handler was sitting at a café studying Spanish when she saw Poopsie walk by. They spent the rest of the day catching up. Now 23, Poopsie moved to London after college and was recently divorced. She seemed defeated and Handler told herself she’d cheer her up. They spent the next two weeks together. They shared memories and stories, laughed and toured the city. Handler also encouraged Poopsie, reminding her of who she was. At the end of the trip, she invited Poopsie to join her and her family in Mallorca. Handler hoped her nieces’ strong positive energy would encourage Poopsie. Handler’s family welcomed her and Poopsie was holding her head up high by the end of the vacation. Handler realizes that ending her fling gave her room to invest in Poopsie.

Handler reflects more on men and relationships. Around the time of reuniting with Poopsie, she updated her ideal partner list. She wasn’t desperate to find this partner as she felt grateful for all of her relationships.

Handler lists the qualities she wants other people to see in her. She reflects on the time she’s spent growing and claiming her freedom. She describes what freedom means to her. She knows that she is lucky to be able to shape her life the way she has. She is grateful for her privileges, the work she’s done, and the way she’s lived her life. In particular, she wants to continue supporting, loving, and being a sister to other women.

Handler recalls an anecdote from when she was 26. While flying home to New Jersey, a woman put her six-month-old baby in the seat next to Handler. The woman wouldn’t take the baby even when the flight attendant told her she couldn’t leave him there. Realizing the woman was going through something, Handler held the child for the whole flight. She thought this was what her late mother would have wanted her to do.

Handler describes a mysterious special power she has. If a woman between 13 and 47 sleeps in the same bed with her she will get her period. She lists all of the women this has happened to while sharing her bed.

Handler recalls an intervention she had with a woman named Katelyn. One night, the woman came to Handler’s house with a group of friends. Handler immediately noticed how heavily Katelyn drank and how unwell she seemed. She confronted her friends about Katelyn’s drinking but they didn’t want to deal with it. Worried, Handler invited Katelyn over and confronted her. Katelyn later went into rehab and wrote to Handler thanking her for her honesty.

Handler reflects on her relationships with her dogs. After Bert died, she worried that she was disconnected from Bernice. To bond with her, she drove from LA to Whistler. She had many mishaps on the way, but Bernice grew more attached throughout the drive. In Whistler, Handler let Bernice do her own thing, letting her outside without supervision. One day Bernice wandered off. Handler thinks she was telling her to be a better mom. She needed to give Bernice more.

Handler describes the arc of her friendship with Dean. She and Dean had been friends for many years. One day, he told her that their mutual friend Rachel needed help getting through a divorce. Dean knew Rachel better than Handler but he insisted he didn’t have time for her. Handler stepped in and supported Rachel. Meanwhile, Dean was completely absent. Whenever Handler did see him, he was disengaged, ornery, or ungrateful. She spoke to her therapist about the situation because she didn’t want to do what she’d done in other relationships. Per Dan’s advice, she invited Dean over and confronted him about her frustrations. Dean apologized. Not long later however, Handler learned that Dean wasn’t giving Rachel the letter of support she needed for her divorce proceedings. (He was afraid of losing his connection with Rachel’s husband, a business associate.) Handler confronted him for being selfish but Dean said he didn’t want to be friends anymore and all of her accusations against him were false.

Handler reflects on this situation. She misses Dean but now understands that not all friendships last forever. It is best to know when these connections are over. It is also important to be honest, no matter what.

Handler shares a poem she wrote about the end of her friendship with Dean.