“I have been called stupid many times in my life. I have been called dumb, obnoxious, trashy, raunchy, crass, a fake, and various other things throughout my career. I have been all of those things at certain moments, but not one of those words encapsulates who I am. None of the things other people have called me has ever really mattered. What other people say about you only matters if you believe what they are saying is true.”

Handler uses a confident, resolved voice to stand up for who she is and what she believes about herself. This passage of self-reclamation follows an anecdote about her boss calling her “stupid.” Instead of allowing this incident to define or limit her, she uses it as a lesson to protect her authentic identity. In the latter half of the passage, she shifts from the first to the second person, turning her self-talk outward and directly addressing the reader. She is thus applying her own life lessons to her audience.

“Go find out what your problem is, because your gifts are plentiful, and sometimes people with the most gifts have the easiest time throwing them in the trash. Don’t be a product of your environment, Chelsea. Make your environment be a product of you.”

Jane Fonda’s direct, blunt voice compels Handler to examine her behavior and pursue personal growth. This dialogue with Jane also launches Handler’s Journey Toward Independence and Self-Empowerment. Because she trusts and respects Jane, she listens to her advice and applies it to her evolution. Jane’s words offer an overarching representation of Handler’s internal journey throughout the memoir. As Jane suggests, she focuses on valuing and using her gifts and making her environment a product of her.

“That was the problem. Some of my friends didn’t want me to change at all, but I wasn’t going to be the same old Chelsea. I wanted to grow and evolve into whatever the newer, better version of me was, while also taking the good parts of old Chelsea with me.”

Handler’s reflective tone captures her determination to locate and claim a more authentic version of herself. She refers to herself using her first name, which suggests that she is still seeking her realized identity. The passage also has a determined undertone, as Handler is refusing to tailor her self-discovery journey to others’ expectations.

“Do not beat yourself up for getting thrown off course, I told myself as I inhaled and exhaled the joint I was smoking. It’s okay, this is a pandemic, you are not superhuman, you just got distracted. No self-flagellation. You’re doing the right thing and you are headed in the right direction. Just keep learning and just keep growing. Pick yourself up and get back on track.”

Handler uses positive self-talk and affirmations to encourage and empower herself. In this moment, she is talking back to her self-flagellating internal monologue. She is refusing to let shame and discouragement disrupt her personal growth journey. The language she uses is gracious and forgiving—she reminds herself that she’s “doing the right thing” and “headed in the right direction.” These positive affirmations convey Handler’s desire to love and care for herself.

“I was learning that just like my experience in therapy, change in a family dynamic doesn’t happen in an instant; it happens slowly and incrementally over time, until it sticks. I had set a boundary with them, and while the initial reaction was shock, what grew out of it was a mutual respect and appreciation.”

Handler marries retrospective and reflective tonal registers to make sense of her complicated family dynamic. She actively applies her “experience in therapy” to her lived experience with her relatives; doing so conveys Handler’s capacity for introspection and self-understanding. At the same time, the passage acknowledges the challenges that come with Finding Joy and Fulfillment in Personal Relationships. While her relatives are “shocked” that she “set a boundary,” this boundary ultimately promotes “respect,” love, and “appreciation.”

“I was in heaven. That winter felt like I was giving myself a giant hug and permission to be who I am. It was like I went through a tectonic emotional growth spurt. I was able to just be. To live. To be free. To not be beholden to my job or my family, or anyone. Just me and my happiness.”

Handler uses descriptive and figurative language to convey her deep attachment to spending time in Whistler. She likens her time there to being “in heaven,” a metaphor which evokes notions of ultimate bliss. She also compares this season to “giving herself a giant hug,” a metaphor which evokes notions of warmth and comfort. Furthermore, she describes her internal growth as a “tectonic” shift, conjuring images of Earth’s tectonic plates shifting and evoking notions of sweeping, reconstructive change.

“I’m not sure what’s going on with women who aren’t champions to all women. But I also know that it’s not my problem to figure out. The people who don’t get you are not your problem. Sitting around and thinking of all the people who don’t love you or don’t want to hang out with you diminishes your own light. Focus on where the light and love come from and park yourself in front of that. There are many moments in life when your own light is all you need.”

Handler uses the second-person point of view to offer her recent revelations to her reader. She is using her experience with Donna and Lucy to teach herself about the importance of making loving, balanced relationships with other women. She then shares this lesson directly with her reader, breaking the fourth wall and instructing her to value herself. Her pedagogical tone in this passage is not pedantic, but rather guiding and caring.

“I recognized something that reminded me of my own youth. I, too, had yearned to be seen. I, too, was easily disappointed. And I, too, had been so easily pleased. Childhood pain recognizing childhood pain. These girls needed attention, and I knew that desire like I knew the smell of my brother’s flannel shirts, the ones I used to sit in his closet and sniff months after he died.”

Handler’s reflections on her own childhood help her to make sense of her relationships in the present. She is describing what she sees of herself in Poopsie, Whoopsie, and Oopsie—drawing these parallels helps her to relate to the girls and their difficult experiences. She also incorporates an allusion to her own childhood loss and pain—referencing her brother’s death and subsequent grief; this allusion evokes a vulnerable mood and underscores how much love the girls need.

“So, when people tell me I’m irresponsible for spreading positive messages about remaining childless, I smile, knowing that I have been a parent to many, and knowing the biggest gift I have ever been given was becoming a father.”

Handler closes her essay “De Facto Parenting” with these lines, lending the chapter a neat resolution. She is reflecting on her experiences past and present, and making a defined conclusion from them. Instead of giving in to what other people have told her about her child-free lifestyle, Handler makes her own assessment of herself: that “becoming a father” to the three girls is “the biggest gift.” This conclusion affects a positive, hopeful tone.

“I was bending, compromising, and meeting Jo in the middle on all sorts of things, something I hadn’t been willing to do in any previous relationships. My opinions had always been fully formed and not negotiable. Nothing about me before therapy was compromising.”

Handler employs an honest and open authorial stance when she describes her relationship with Jo Koy. Using a confessional tone, she admits that she wasn’t a compromising person before therapy; post-therapy she is more amenable to others. The passage thus demonstrates Handler’s newfound willingness to own her past mistakes and to champion her progress.

“What I felt was sadness, and not the unbearable kind. The sadness of knowing that in order to make something work, I would have to abandon myself. The sadness of knowing there would be no compromise. That I am whole, that I am grounded, that I am full of love and gratitude, and even with all of these things, that the relationship was untenable.”

Handler uses repetition, anaphora, and rhythm to affect a heartfelt tone. She repeats the word “sadness” three times throughout the passage and begins multiple sentences with “the sadness” and “that I am.” These linguistic recurrences illustrate Handler’s work to let herself mourn her relationship while also staying true to herself—repeating “sadness” conveys the omnipresence of the emotion while repeating “that I am” conveys Handler’s internal resolve. Her melancholy (both formally and emotionally) coexists with her self-determination and strength.

“My broken heart was sending all sorts of signals to my consciousness. To feel pain, and be able to hold not only that pain but also joy for a friend’s achievements or accomplishments, or what can sound unfathomable in the midst of grief: to be joyful for another when they have found what you just lost. Being able to do that is a sign that you are growing.”

Handler’s post-breakup reflections mark a pivotal turn in her pursuit of authenticity and personal growth. Handler isn’t simply acknowledging her sorrow, but she’s listing all of the positive lessons she’s learned in recent days. She isn’t simply attuned to her own experiences, she’s attuning herself to others’ experiences too. These are all signs that Handler is becoming who she wants to be.

“Don’t spend your time alone being bitter about losing out on love, or unrequited love, or whatever you thought was going to happen that didn’t. Use that time to get to know yourself. To be with yourself and read and travel and spend time with your family, friends, and anyone whom you love and who loves you. This time we get with ourselves is when some of our most seminal growth occurs.”

Handler uses an instructional, guiding tone in this passage to empower her reader. She is reminding her audience not to give up on love or hope even when she despairs—a lesson Handler holds is vital because if the individual loves herself she might find happiness. The second-person point of view again engenders intimacy and trust between the author and her audience.

“What mattered was that I had made a decision to remove myself from drama, from someone else’s marriage, and in doing so, I’d told the universe that I was leveling up and would only consider men who were leveling up themselves. That decision led me to reunite with one of my favorite people in the world.”

Handler’s reflections on her affair in London capture her work finding joy and fulfillment in personal relationships. Instead of remaining in the relationship and involving herself in “drama” and “someone else’s marriage,” Handler makes the decision to protect and care for herself. In doing so, she makes room to invest in her other intimate relationships—specifically with Poopsie. The final line of the passage creates a seamless transition between the end of Chapter 28 and the start of Chapter 29, wherein Handler reunites with Poopsie in London by chance.

“Dependable, kind, munificent, free. These are the words I want people to use when describing me. I want people to know how free I have felt in my life. How freedom can spread from one person to another and how valuable it is for other women to see someone taking their freedom and running with it.”

Handler’s reflections on her own life, character, and sense of self provide valuable self-help lessons to her reader. When she writes that she “wants people to know how free she’s felt,” she is reminding her reader that she too can find freedom and joy. She repeats the word “free” four times in the passage which underscores her liberated experience and empowers the reader to seek the same.

“I felt my soul filling up with sunshine. […] Real gratitude for getting my life together and understanding that all this happiness and gratitude is my reward for taking the time to get to know myself. Grateful for all the decisions that led me to this point. Grateful I took the time to find out that skiing makes me so happy. Grateful that I went after my happiness like my life depended on it, because it did.”

Handler uses repetition and anaphora to affect an insistent and grateful tone. She is listing all of the things she is glad for in her own life. This list of gratitude is a private practice that Handler has started in her post-therapy life. Each of the items on her list is simple, and thus feels accessible to the reader. She is inviting the reader into her private gratitude practice while thematically encouraging one to find small things in one’s own life that bring one joy.

“Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. Some people are only here to get you from one chapter to the next, and sometimes you are the person helping someone get from one chapter to the next. Be grateful for the experience and be graceful when it’s over.”

Handler’s reflective tone at the end of “Boundaries” exemplifies the work she’s accomplished along her personal growth journey. She is musing on the end of her relationship with Dean but doesn’t use a bitter tone. Instead, she is taking the friendship as a life lesson, and again sharing it with her reader. This is another example of how Handler marries memoir with self-help throughout the text.

“When you see something, you must say something. You must. That is what sisterhood is. Never looking away, never apologizing to or accommodating men who are powerful, and making sure every time you leave a room, everyone knows you were there and what it is you stand for.”

Handler uses her humorous Woody Allen anecdote to offer a powerful feminist message. She is indeed reflecting on her decision to confront Woody Allen about his relationship with Soon-Yi, but she’s also suggesting that this confrontation is more than a witty “party story.” She again uses the second person and the imperative mood to affect an insistent, sincere tone. These stylistic choices highlight the significance of her message.

“Here in Mallorca, on the water late at night, I only listened. I understood now the difference between helping and listening. There are times and places for advice, and then there are times where all people need is for someone to listen.”

Handler’s time in Mallorca helps her foster deep and meaningful relationships with others and herself. While Handler believes that being “on the water late at night” is helping her loved ones open up, these experiences are also teaching Handler how to be a better friend. She is thus musing on the power of the place to strengthen bonds and teach lessons.

“Nothing stands the test of time quite like a tree. Leaves come and go. Always be the tree.”

Handler uses the tree metaphor to further her explorations of the journey toward independence and self-empowerment. These reflective lines appear at the end of “Allée of Trees,” in which Handler recalls her decision to give her ex-boyfriend trees as a breakup gift. She is thus likening herself to the trees—which are archetypal symbols of growth and longevity. She warns her reader against being a leaf, too, because leaves are temporal and fragile. This imagery reifies Handler’s overarching claims about staying strong and standing up for what you believe.

“The nervous energy that I used to have seemed to disappear and I felt centered, clear, and focused in all my career endeavors. I knew that my attitude was the key ingredient to this turnaround. No more victim mentality when things weren’t working or if I wasn’t getting offers that exited me. […] I stopped all that whining and complaining and became grateful.”

Handler’s experience hosting the Critics’ Choice Awards captures how much she has grown since the start of the memoir. At the beginning of I’ll Have What She’s Having, Handler vividly describes the nervousness she references in this passage—she couldn’t perform solo without shaking or sitting down. At this juncture of her life, however, Handler feels “centered, clear, and focused.” Her tone is as confident and assured as she feels, which reiterates how much she’s changed in recent months.

“March 21: Am so grateful for this time with the girls on their spring break with me in Whistler. I love them so much. They are big bundles of challenging joy, and they are making me do things I would not do for any other children. It is good for me. Grateful for this winter of happiness. Have been trying to spread as much joy and laughter as possible.”

Handler includes a journal entry within her essay to invite the reader deeper into her private experience. Including her private diaries on the page grants the reader immediate access to Handler’s heart and mind. Her language is simple and plain, affecting a bald, unguarded tone. The entry has a raw quality which mimics Handler’s raw love for the girls and pure appreciation of spending time with them.

“I think of my success as a giant circle of light around me, and opening myself up and allowing my light to shine on others only makes my light bigger and more ebullient. To never hoard success or claim it as your own. It belongs to more than just you.”

Handler uses a metaphor to capture her outlook on finding joy and fulfillment in personal relationships. The image of the “giant circle of light” captures notions of luminescence and warmth. Handler’s love is not just her own—it spreads beyond her physical body and thus reaches others. The image illustrates Handler’s overarching argument that if the individual loves herself she can love others better; this love then spreads from one person to the next. It is, she therefore shows, everyone’s responsibility to share love.