Me (Moth)

Amber McBride

45 pages 1-hour read

Amber McBride

Me (Moth)

Fiction | Novel/Book in Verse | YA | Published in 2021

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Pages 183-243Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Content Warning: This section of the guide includes depictions of substance use, mental illness, violence, emotional abuse, physical injury, and death.

Pages 183-212 Summary

Note: These pages include the poems “Sani’s Dad Is a Medicine Man,” “Sani’s Nightmares,” “Sani’s Dad Refills His Mystery Pills,” “Health System,” “We Have Cocooned Here,” “Coyote Story: First Scolder,” “Blood Moon in New Mexico,” “Fireside Chat,” “Guitar & Voice & Dance,” “Dancing,” “When the Song Is Over,” “Puzzle in the Sky,” “Sani’s Note,” “Disassemble,” “Alone,” “Note Left in Sani’s Car,” “How Our World Was Created,” “But I Come Back,” “Our Fourth World,” “Sani: People Stay Away,” “I Still Don’t Know What the (Mystery) Pills Are For…,” and “Sani’s Dad Invites Us to Dinner.”


Moth is curious about Sani’s father, who is an Indigenous medicine man. She wishes she could make him understand her and her past, as he seems distant and uninterested in engaging with her. Over dinner one night, he tells her and Sani stories. 


That night, Sani wakes up screaming from a dream. Moth holds him and sings to him. The next day, Sani’s dad refills his prescription, insisting he needs to take the pills. Moth worries about Sani, unsure why he keeps stopping and restarting his prescription. His dad gives him other herbs to help him, too, but Sani explains that none of this really helps. He wants to flush the “pills down the toilet” (187) but always changes his mind. Then one day, he does discard the pills. Sani’s dad is visibly angry and refuses to look at or talk to Moth.


Moth and Sani retreat from the house for a camping trip. While out, Sani tells Moth a story about Coyote. He confides in Moth about his mental illness, saying his family has always believed that his “mind is cursed” (190). The two make a campfire and talk about what they would do if they had ultimate freedom. They make an agreement to devote themselves to singing and dancing again. They write songs and play music, and Moth dances again for the first time since losing her family. She feels lighthearted afterwards. The two talk about their futures. Moth wants to keep dancing, but admits that she still feels guilty for her family’s death.


The next day, Moth wakes up to find Sani gone. He has left behind a note for her, describing his desire to be with her and his simultaneous fears that he can’t have her. Upset over Sani’s departure, Moth blames herself. She thinks that dancing again made Sani disappear. She takes out her aunt’s phone and discovers a nearby Walmart, deciding to walk there. She left a note for Sani in his car, too, expressing her feelings for him and fears that her love is not enough to help him. She begs him to keep singing, playing guitar, and to take his pills if that makes him feel better.


Sani pulls up alongside her on the road to Walmart, smoking a cigarette. He looks tired and upset and apologizes profusely. Moth insists they can’t be together if Sani refuses to take care of himself. Nevertheless, she lets him hold her.


That night, Moth and Sani take a hike in the dark. They talk about their futures, and Sani announces his plans to audition for Juilliard. Finally, Moth asks him about the pills. He simply says they are for his mind. Moth still doesn’t understand why he keeps throwing them away.


The next day, Moth and Sani return to the house to have dinner with Sani’s dad. He yells at Sani for discarding his pills and gives him new ones. He is angry with Moth, too, convinced she is the one who is making Sani refuse his medications.

Pages 213-243 Summary

Note: These pages include the poems “We Have a Moment of Silence,” “Sketch Me,” “Sani’s Dad Is a Medicine Man Whose Father Knew A Hoodoo Man,” “Grandfather Left A Letter For Me,” “The Root of the Root,” “Hummingbird Moth,” “& Open,” “& Open & Open,” “& Open & Open & Open,” “Truth,” “Moth,” “This Morning,” “I Woke Up Dead,” “Hoodoo Fable,” “Sphinx Moth,” “Truth: Accident,” “Sani Finds (Ghost Me),” “Drive to the Crossroads,” “(Moth) Natural History,” “Grandfather at the Crossroads,” “Missing…,” “There Is A Whole Lot of Heaven,” “Sani: Goodbye Note,” and “Ten Years Later.”


Sani’s dad storms out but returns shortly after. He slams down a piece of paper on the table, demanding that Sani draw Moth. Moth watches through tears as Sani sketches her. Sani’s dad pulls out a photo of Moth, which her grandfather gave him, revealing that the men used to be friends. He thinks Moth and Sani’s friendship is the work of Hoodoo magic, as Moth’s grandfather asked him to help her years prior. He insists Moth and Sani need to help each other now, with Sani leading Moth “home” and Moth reminding Sani to live. Moth and Sani are confused and upset, not understanding Sani’s dad’s meaning.


Sani’s dad reveals that Moth is, in fact, dead. She died in the accident, and her spirit has been wandering on earth ever since. She needs Sani to lead her to the other side so her soul can rest. Her grandfather knew her spirit would linger and that she would need help crossing over—which is why he tasked Sani’s father with guiding her via Sani.


Watching Sani pace furiously in front of his father, Moth remembers the crash again. She, her parents, and her brother all fell out of the car in the accident.


Alone afterwards, Moth and Sani discuss what they’ve learned. Sani insists Moth has to move on because she is a ghost. Using a line from their “Summer Song,” he assures her that she should look forward to all that’s waiting for her in heaven. Moth is overcome by memories of the accident, realizing that when she thought she woke up from the accident, she was already dead. She remembers a Hoodoo fable about a wolf and understands that her grandfather sent Sani to her. She marvels at her ability to fall in love with him as a ghost.


Moth realizes the truth of what happened two years ago. After the accident, she, her parents, and her brother wound up in the hospital, where Aunt Jack prayed for them to survive. However, they all died, and only Aunt Jack left the hospital alive. Moth had such a vibrant spirit that her ghost believed she could go on living.


Now, Moth doesn’t know how to cross over to the other side. She feels indelibly connected to Sani and unsure if she can let go. However, Sani shows her the way. They drive back east. In Central Park, they say their goodbyes, and Moth moves on, seeing her grandfather waiting for her.


10 years later, Sani has moved on with his life. He has become a renowned singer-songwriter. He sells out a show at Madison Square Garden, where he sings “Summer Song,” dedicating it to Moth.

Pages 183-243 Analysis

In the final poems of the novel, Moth’s story reaches its climax with the revelation of her death and her life as a ghost. Throughout Moth’s time in New Mexico with Sani and his father, the past and the present begin to eerily converge, ultimately revealing the link between the young people and their forebears. 


Sani’s father’s revelations about his and Moth’s grandfather’s friendship underscore the novel’s theme of Cultural Inheritance as a Form of Self-Recognition. Moth and Sani have begun to discover their true identities by sharing stories of their ancestry, while Sani’s father’s link to Moth’s grandfather creates a direct bridge to the history of ancient Hoodoo and Diné customs. When enslaved African people first developed Hoodoo, or rootwork, during enslavement in the American South, they blended their traditional African “practices of ancestral reverence, plant medicine, and communication with the unseen […] with Indigenous herbalism and European folk magic” (“What Is Hoodoo? A Guide to the History of Rootwork.” Original Botanica, 14 Apr. 2025). The friendship between Sani’s father and Moth’s grandfather evidences this intersection of the traditions, resulting in a powerful magic that has brought Moth and Sani together so they might help each other better understand themselves and move beyond their current states of unrest.


The photo that Sani’s father shows Moth and Sani is a symbol of how the past might illuminate the individual’s identity and path in the present. On the back of the photo, Moth’s grandfather has written: “My friend, I know I ask too much, / but if your son can help her home / she’ll teach him how to live” (216). When the teenagers learn of this connection, they are forced to reexamine their relationship through the respective lenses of their ancestry. Sani is learning from the spirit world how to engage with life, instead of allowing his mental illness to dictate his fate. Moth is the spirit who ultimately guides Sani out of his psychological darkness and towards a transformative crossroads. 


Meanwhile, Moth’s grandfather (her forebear) has sent her a guide to lead her home to the spirit world, where she might find peace. “Go to the crossroads,” she remembers her grandfather saying in “Grandfather Left A Letter For Me,” “& walk north home” (217). With Sani by her side, she does ultimately travel back north to her former home in New York City and is able to let go of the physical world and rejoin her family in heaven.


Moth’s transformation at the end of the novel lends a natural resolution to the theme of The Enduring Nature of Grief. Throughout the novel, Moth has struggled to let go of her sorrow over losing her parents and brother. Her sadness is so great that she has refused to dance (formerly her greatest pleasure) as a sort of self-imposed atonement. Even when she does dance again by the fire with Sani, she is unable to reengage with life, reminding Sani that she can’t keep dancing because “I am guilty” (196). Moth’s sustained grief is a metaphor for generational trauma and ancestral sorrow. Moth indeed feels “weightless” and “breathless” (195) after her dance with Sani, yet her sorrow remains embedded within her joy. She convinces herself that her attempt at reclaiming happiness through dance is the reason Sani leaves her the next morning, “just like / everyone else” (201). 


This conviction reiterates the enduring nature of grief in the context of one’s ancestral woes. Moth carries her ancestors’ suffering inside of her, even when she is not aware of it. This is another reason she is reluctant to move on, even after her death. With Sani’s help and his father’s and her grandfather’s guidance, she ultimately finds a path to peace—implying that while grief might have no easy endpoint, she must accept spiritual rest as a way to honor her ancestral past.

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