Don gets very drunk during his practice sessions making drinks for his upcoming gig as a bartender at the reunion. He wonders whether his apathy over his increased drinking habits of late indicates he is headed toward alcohol addiction.

He meets up with Rosie just before the reunion starts so they can exchange information about how to collect the DNA samples. Don has come prepared, with swabs and baggies labeled with each man’s name, which he had memorized.



After coming up with a loophole to account for none of the attendees wearing name tags, Rosie and Don work hard delivering drinks and collecting samples. When Rosie becomes overwhelmed with the task of remembering all the names, Don takes over. He proves to be an exceptional bartender/waiter because he remembers all the names and which samples have been collected. He even offers exotic, obscure drinks to ensure that they get a sample from every man, which has a side benefit of making a lot of money for the golf club where the event is taking place. Don amazes the guests and other bartenders with his knowledge of drinks and recipes, and he discovers that he is immensely enjoying this work.

Because Don’s performance caused the bar to run out of the necessary ingredients, the bar manager, Amghad, arrives to help out, bringing more supplies. Rosie, Don, and the boss stay late to provide drinks for the crowd, long after dinner is over. Rosie and Don are able to get samples for all the men in attendance; they have now collected samples from all but 11 of their pool of potential fathers. As Don prepares to leave, still on an adrenaline high from the night, Amghad asks if he would be interested in being a partner at a cocktail bar Amghad hopes to open. Don is admittedly intrigued, but he declines.

During their analysis of the samples, Don clears the air about the Wife Project. He tells Rosie that he is not interested in her as a romantic partner because she is too unsuitable, and she says she finds him unsuitable too. Don asks her why she applied for the Wife Project then, but it turns out she has never heard of it. After Don explains the project, Rosie tells him it is an insulting objectification of women, and any woman who fills out the questionnaire is agreeing to be objectified. She asks him if that is really a characteristic he wants in a wife.

Don is pleased but confused by the idea that Rosie agreed to on a date with him without being a knowing participant in the Wife Project. She explains that she came to Don’s office the day they met because she had a bet with Gene about whether the size of a man’s testicles correlated to monogamous behavior, and Gene told her Don’s expertise could settle the matter. Don asks how much money she lost because of the bet, thinking Gene had taken advantage of a financially unstable woman. Rosie reveals that she let Don think she’s only a bartender when she is actually a doctoral student studying psychology in Gene’s department. Don realizes that she was the woman Gene argued with after the lecture Don interrupted in Chapter 3.

With this newfound understanding of their situation, Don doesn’t understand why Gene lied about Rosie; she insists it’s because Gene is a bad person. Then Rosie asks Don why he’s helping her; when he says he doesn’t know, she storms out, very upset.

The next day she drops by Don’s office to apologize, but she refuses to continue with the Father Project until Don can explain why he wants to do it. He still is not sure how to answer, so he simply says that it has never been motivated by interest in her as a romantic partner. When she asks about the “objectification project” (134), Don reveals that the first qualified candidate for the Wife Project has been found.

The candidate, Bianca Rivera, meets all of Don’s requirements. However, he doesn’t meet all of hers. She is a competitive ballroom dancer and wants a partner who can keep up with her. Don invites her to the faculty ball, leaving him 10 days before their first date to learn how to dance. 

Gene interrupts one of Don’s practice sessions to convince him to take Rosie to the ball instead, since Gene convinced her to go without a date. Don refuses, as he and Rosie already put to rest the matter of romantic involvement. He meets with Claudia for a pre-date pep talk, and she encourages Don to be himself. When he says that he is not someone women typically accept, she points out how Daphne always accepted him, faults and all, and insists that anyone who doesn’t is not a good match for him. She then asks if Rosie accepts him for who he is, and Don says he thinks she does.

As the ball approaches, Don finds himself increasingly ambivalent about meeting Bianca. He doesn’t understand why he feels this way, so he attempts to analyze his thoughts and emotions via spreadsheet. He acknowledges that his date with Bianca is an objectively positive event, as was his decision to hire Eva, Gene’s former housekeeper. Don is less sure about where the Father Project falls. He knows that his reasons for taking part in it were never strong, therefore making his emotions the only motivator. 

He thinks about the unquantifiable nature of happiness, admitting to himself that, if asked about the happiest day of his life, he might now answer that it was his night of bartending at the reunion. But he posits that if he had accepted Amghad’s offer solely because he enjoyed making cocktails, he would have been making an irrational decision. Even though he’s confused and nervous about meeting Bianca, he chalks it up to his tendency to commit social faux pas and remains determined to proceed. In preparation, he orders a formal tux from the rental shop.