Transformed people, or those in the second half of life, are happy to focus on service to others. Rohr believes this is another paradox: Those who give the most are the happiest.

For instance, in spite of her limitations, Helen Keller found a way to dedicate her life to others and lived happily. Her teacher Anne Sullivan helpfully “mirrored” her, prompting her to reach this potential. “Mirroring” is when a person responds to you and, in doing so, helps you learn more about yourself. Some mirror our own goodness back to us, while immature people mirror their own confusion on us, making us struggle to understand and like them.

Anyone who responds to the “real you,” whether your good or bad traits, is helpful to your development. Rohr argues that relationships with close friends and mentors are crucial for spiritual growth. St. Clare wrote about her experience of using the “mirror” of relationships to understand herself and grow closer to God. The ultimate mirror relationship is between an individual and God.

Rohr returns to the role of suffering in spiritual growth. He believes that failure and pain equalize people and bond them more deeply than “happy clappy religion” (130). He coaches the reader to accept the pain in their lives and embrace the journey it sets them on. No one can force anyone’s journey into the second half of life, nor can anyone inhibit it. Rohr tells the reader to desire good and beautiful things and God will deliver it.

In this chapter the author brings the reader’s attention to the role relationships play in everyone’s spiritual journeys. By contrasting the deep bonds formed by suffering together with the positivity and celebration of some religious sects, the author suggests that pain can serve as a way to connect deeply with others and find meaning in life.

He claims, “There is a strange and even wonderful communion in real human pain—actually, much more than in joy, which is too often manufactured and passing” (99-100). Again, Rohr relies largely on his own observations as a priest to support his points, rather than using psychological studies or other academic evidence. His explanation of mirroring also emphasizes the importance of connecting with others. He explains, “Thinking we can truthfully mirror ourselves is a first-half-of-life illusion…We really do find ourselves through one another’s eyes” (99). This understanding of spiritual growth encourages the reader to nurture strong and trusting relationships in their lives.

Chapter Lessons

• Focus on being of service to others
• Give more to experience more fulfillment and happiness
• Use relationships as useful mirrors about your good and negative qualities

Reflection Questions

• Which relationship in your life has helped you grow the most as a person? What qualities—good or bad—did that person “mirror” for you?
• How might you give more to others? Consider your skills and traits, and the needs of your community.
• Rohr says that suffering can help people connect in deeper ways with one another. Think of a challenging or painful experience you shared with another person. How did that painful experience draw you closer together, or aid you in understanding others more generally?