The author includes two quotes from Jesus (Matthew 16:25-26 and Luke 14:26-27) which tell the reader to first lose their life so they can find it again, and to reject their families and routines to follow him. Rohr agrees with psychologist Carl Jung that people who reject life’s suffering end up suffering more. His own life’s work within the Catholic church has forced him to reflect on theology and his own beliefs. He has often critiqued the church from the inside, which he believes is far more effective than “throwing rocks” from the outside (47). 

He loves that Catholicism can be very holistic, engaging the “head, heart, body, soul, and history” (48). He finds its worldview mystical, entrancing, and compelling, and believes that when people truly get it they never want to leave it behind. The Church has offered him a strong moral, intellectual, and mystical vision of the world, though other religious groups offer the same to others, and sometimes do a better job. He acknowledges the failures of the church, such as its ongoing problems with sexual abuse and its financial scandals, but feels that its structure has helped him to be accountable for his moral code and has been “good enough” for him (51). While the church has benefitted him and tolerated his dissent, it is the Gospel itself which is his real partner in spiritual growth.

Rohr acknowledges that necessary suffering is everywhere; it is evident in all creation, from plant and animal life cycles to the workings of the solar system. He feels that modern subjects like psychology and anthropology offer new ways of understanding Jesus’s message. He explains a fascinating quote from Jesus in which he tells people to “hate” their family, contradicting the commandment to honor your parents. Rohr interprets this to mean that people should follow their parents and other cultural authorities in the first half of their lives, but at a certain point must leave home, family, and their comfort zones to experience real growth. 

The “loyal soldier” voice may resist this, causing confusion and guilt. Furthermore, the nuclear family can actually be wounding and oppressive, and hinder people from entering into a larger, global family. He points to the example of many saints, pilgrims, and hermits of different faiths leaving their homes and comfort zones to find their real selves, or as the Zen masters say, “the face you had before you were born” (54). Jesus’s words sound harsh because they are designed to get people’s attention.

In this chapter the author justifies his ongoing role as a Franciscan priest even though he has reservations regarding much of the church’s historical decisions, theology, and ongoing problems. In his discussion he suggests that the church has provided a necessary structure for his life, and that his purpose is to help change it from within. This approach does not romanticize the church or deny its issues, but presents it as a work in progress which still holds benefits for believers such as Rohr. 

The author’s insistence that people must expect and accept suffering expands on his theme that pain and loss are inherent in life. By elaborating on Jesus’s instruction to leave one’s family, the author grounds his argument in scripture yet again. However, he also signals his openness to other faiths, suggesting that these traditions also have value and may hold the same truths. For instance, he discusses how the Hindu sadhus, Buddha and Ashoka, and the Sufi saints embodied Jesus’s belief that people must leave the familiar, including their families, to be able to hear God’s voice. These references portray Rohr as an open-minded and worldly scholar who is familiar with belief systems outside of his own, and tacitly encourages the reader to do the same.

Chapter Lessons

• Suffering is an inherent part of life that should not be denied or rejected
• People should become independent and free-thinking to reach the second half of life
• Jesus did not romanticize the nuclear family; he encouraged people to think beyond their familial and cultural conditioning

Reflection Questions

• The author believes that internal critique is more effective than outside attacks. If you could change something about the church, what would it be? Why?
• What is your own relationship with the church? Is it “good enough”? Why or why not?
• Rohr argues that people must leave behind their families and comfort zones to transform spiritually. Have you experienced this process? What did you choose to “leave behind” about your upbringing or family of origin, and how did this process help you grow?